Contradictions and Complications

Failte, Reader. Welcome back if you're a regular.

I've got another poem for you from my days in the Queensland Outback this week. Below it, you'll find the glossary of terms marked by an *asterisk* throughout the post. If you're new, the terms I use are from a language called Hiberno English, the English spoken in Ireland. (If you're arguing in your head now and saying "it's a dialect," read this.) Some terms are Irish English, typical of Ireland, but not influenced by Gaeilge (the Irish language). I've a *wee question for you first. 

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Have you ever had contradictions and complications going on in your mind? Hmm, maybe that's a redundant question. We all have at one stage or another, I reckon. 

This week, I've had a *heap of them. Maybe, it's how my mind works. I'm not sure. I'm a *terror for questioning almost everything to find the truth in it for me. I've also travelled quite a lot, had many different conversations with others, studied, learned, applied, reflected and reapplied. My *head can get melted quite easily. When it's too *mithered, I have to let go, and do a heart-brain-gut calibration to move forwards. 

I'm still writing my book. I'm *tipping towards the final stages but am a number of kilometres away yet. It's about walking the Camino de Santiago, so rather than write in pages or words, I write in kilometres and days. This week, I've had to acknowledge that writing the book has meant I've not taken the actions I need to take to grow my coaching and training business in the way I aim to. I know business. I've been working since I was 11. I've studied it to master's level. I know what's coming when I sit down and fully dedicate to it.

Backwards to Move Forwards 

I also sense that the book needs to be written before I can move forwards fully. The book is past-focused. It's my story; well, a good chunk of it, written with the goal of helping others who find themselves in the positions I was and want to change. *Fat chance I could put my 41 years in one book. 

For my brain to be able to fully focus forwards, the past has to be laid to rest. That doesn't mean I'll never look back. Doing so is important to remember how far I've come. What it means is that the story must come full circle.

This week, I added another section to its radius. What you'll learn about my story, if you're new to my content, is that I've been rebuilding my confidence, from the ground up, over the past few years. I never in my life thought I'd have to do that. I also didn't know what I didn't know (blegh, I know, a cliché when I said I didn't like them), but it's a *grand one that one. 

I'd been very confident and outspoken before the experience which knocked it. Rebuilding it has meant learning a whole new type of confidence, and adding to what was there before. (If you know me and said, "Oh, fuck," you'd be right). The devil is quaking. Giggle. Not for the first, nor I hope the last time, this week I've said out loud:

Ok, no, not quite like the scary psycho from The Shining. Though people can sometimes feel unnerved in my company, I am, in fact, quite a nice person. This is just the line that comes to my head and makes me smile. I loved Jack Nicholson in that movie. 

Authentic Vulnerability

The process has been a delicate dance of trust in my journey. The book has nothing whatsoever to do with my work, yet, it is inextricably linked with the work that I do. Isn't that a lovely contradiction? 

To be able to do what I aim to do, I need to be as confident as possible. The people I want to sit at tables with aren't all ready for the changes that are coming in our world. Discomfort for the comfortable is coming. Though the words "authenticity" and "vulnerability" are *being bandied about *all over the shop, there is still a lot of fear and misunderstanding attached to them. People latch onto phrases like, 'share your story,' without taking a step back to ask themselves what that means. What story? Which aspect of my story? Which part can I share with you that will not make you *leg it? Therein lies the complication. 

Mental Battles

When I shared on the TEDx stage, I shared my story, in the face of ridicule, judgement, and criticism. To many, it may have seemed like oversharing. To me, it was almost authentic vulnerability. I *ballsed up in the middle and wasn't confident enough yet to stop and say so. But the story share was authentically vulnerable. The kind of story you want your staff, friends, and family to be able to share not suppress, because that's what psychological safety truly means. As a manager, my team shared their *stuff with me. Because they did, I knew how to support them fully. 

When I spoke at TEDx, I was still experiencing PTSD. (All good now). The Christine of old would probably have said to herself,

"Be sensible. You can't share like that if you want to keep your reputation. Do it differently, so you look good and it'll bring you business." 

I'm glad PTSD Christine spoke. I'm glad she gave me the strength and courage to write the book I'm writing. If you think the TEDx was vulnerable, get ready for this baby. 

"Do you really think it's a good idea to do this, Christine?" my Brain asks. "What if people judge you negatively?" 

Ah, Brain, my friend, there will always be some who judge negatively, some who are afraid of my voice, some who are interested but steer clear out of fear, some who are inspired, and some who *couldn't give a fiddler's fart.

So, you see, contradictions and complications. They float, like leaves in the wind on a blustery autumn evening, meddling with our minds, encouraging us to dig deep into our understanding, but ultimately helping us make decisions that keep us moving forwards. 

*** Contradictions and Complications ***

Purple skies close sunkissed days.

Cumulus clouds scatter the horizon. 

Dusk settles over me. 

I'm lost. 

Thoughts swirl like sand storms

blurring my view,

filling me with unease, discomfort.

From where has this come? 

All around me lies beauty 

that would startle even the most travelled eye. 

I breathe it in, aching to be filled, 

yet I am not.

Never before have I felt what it is to miss

a voice, a laugh, a smile, a friend.

Ever solid within myself

to miss what's not there is to miss

living. 

Now, I wonder. 

Contradictions and complications haunt me.

What I need to do, I know.

What I want to do, I know. 

They clash.

The harsh reality of life is upon me. 

Decisions. 

Easy to voice, difficult to make.

Solitude

allows the mind to wander father

and more frequently. 

Sense. 

Damn it for its constant pulse within me. 

********Hiberno English Glossary*********

1. Wee: here, it's a filler word. (*Note: this word has multiple meanings. It comes from Scots Gaelic). 
2. A heap of something: a lot of. (*Heap pronounced Haaaay-p. Stress the aaay for emphasis.)
3. Be + a terror for something: it’s typical of someone to do something.
4. (My) head (verb) melted: feeling overwhelmed, confused, under pressure.
5. Mithered: bothered. In this case, my mind.
6. Tipping towards: moving towards
7. Fat chance: when something is unlikely to happen.
8. A grand one: it’s fine / acceptable in this case.
9. Be bandied about: talked about casually or informally
10. All over the shop: everywhere. (*Note: this phrase has a few meanings in Ireland).
11. Leg it: run away quickly.
12. Balls something up: make a mistake.
13. Stuff: what was going on in their lives.
14. Couldn’t give a fiddler’s fart: don’t care.