Day 12 - Guided By The Light

Lucy's stomach did a somersault. Her palms started sweating. Her breathing quickened. She had no idea what was happening. She took her hand down before they called on her to speak. 

"What the fuck was that all about?" she asked herself, aloud though alone. "Was that fear? Was I just too scared to ask a question in front of a roomful of strangers? WHAT the heck is wrong with me?" 

****

Two years previous, she'd presented at her umpteenth conference. The talk had gone well, but her intro hadn't quite gone as planned. She'd wanted to play with her audience's emotions a little - hook them in hard and fast from the get go. 

"I'm going to almost fall as I approach the podium," she'd told her housemate. They thought she was nuts.

"How can you pretend to fall at the beginning of a presentation? Won't you already be nervous enough. What if it goes wrong?"

"It'll be grand. I'll have a slide ready with a question that shows them I did it intentionally. They'll be amazed - and it'll hit their heads exactly as intended. That'll make for a memorable talk!"

"Have you done anything like this before?" her housemate asked. 

"Nope, first time. I'm excited."

 *****

It was the night before the presentation. She'd had another fight with her boyfriend. He'd left late and she'd been up most of the night worrying. When morning came, she was exhausted. But there was nothing she could do. She'd committed to giving the talk. Besides, she was running the room, managing the other speakers. She decided to take a little pick-me-up, a microdose to put a little pep in her step. She wouldn't normally do anything like that, but things had been different for a while now. She was more reckless. "It won't do any harm," she told herself. "It's so little, you'd barely notice it."

 *****

The conference started. She was awake enough, but as the morning went on, she started flagging. Her brain wasn't matching her body. During every talk, she had to pinch her hands and legs to keep her eyes open. Between the talks, she buzzed around like a blue-arsed fly, setting up chairs, making sure the slides were showing properly. She guzzled coffee by the mugful, gulping down water as a chaser. 

It was time for her talk. She was going to pretend she had to run out of the room to do something quickly then run back in and up to the podium. Everyone was seated, ready for her to begin. Like clockwork, she raced in the door, heart pounding, adrenaline skyrocketing. They were watching her all the way through the room. 

"Uaaaaah!" the crowd inhaled as she tripped over her feet and clip-clopped to the stage, barely staying up. Her hands met the podium. She lifted the mouse, pressing her index finger on the clicker.  Her breathing was rapid. She was holding onto the podium, below where the audience could see, as she regained her composure. 

CLICK

She looked up at the audience as the first slide opened, beaming, still breathless, her nasal passages and abdominals holding her diaphragm steady. 

"Are you all feeling calmer now that I haven't fa...." 

"Excuse me."

A man's hand flew up as he raised his voice.

"It's very hot in here. Could you turn on the air-conditioner." 

She stared blankly into his face. She felt her blood pressure plummet. She shouldn't have taken that microdose. 

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck," her head said. "You're going down, girl."

She shook her head ever so slightly, still starting him blankly in the face. He twitched in slight discomfort. He repeated his request. 

She was breathing very deeply now, as slowly as possible, right down into her diaphragm. 

"You're OK. You're OK. You're safe. You can do this. You can stay up." her mind was working on overdrive. 

Fewer than 90 seconds had passed which were now a complete blur. 

"Y-y-yes, yes, I can. Just a moment," she replied. "Fuck you anyway, you bollocks," she thought. "I can't fucking repeat that fall. They've seen the first slide now. You're after fucking up my entire intro." 

Her frustration brought the blood back to her legs. She stomped out of the room, turned on the aircon and stomped halfway back in before changing back to a light, airy step. She was the speaker. It wouldn't help anyone for them to see how annoyed she was. She'd almost fake collapsed, then almost really collapsed. Nothing had gone to plan. 

*****

Could these two incidents be somehow connected? Was it possible that her body had held onto a feeling, some sort of psychophysiological reaction to the day she'd almost dropped? Was there something wrong with her now? Had something happened to her confidence? 

She'd been very sick for some time. Although she hadn't fully acknowledged it yet, she was in an abusive relationship. She was getting paler and paler by the day, fading into the darkness. There was little light left in her once sparkling bright eyes. 

"I'm fucked if I'm going to be afraid to speak in front of anyone," she resolved. "If that's happening to me, there's something really wrong."

"You need to sort your life out," her alter ego scolded. 

 *****

Lucy needed to find her way back to the light. She needed something to guide her, something from somewhere to send her a sign. It was June 24th. She was on a call with a shaman, a woman of the wild. They had met a few days before, online, during solstice. As the woman spoke, Lucy heard a loud screech in the sky above. Looking up, she gasped in awe and excitement. With a cry of apology and wonder, she interrupted her call companion mid-sentence. She knew immediately this was an omen. She had received her sign. 

"I'm sorry to stop you. I know it's incredibly rude. But I cannot believe what I am seeing. Right above my head, right now, as you speak, an eagle is circling. I have only ever seen one in the wild before. This is incredible." 

As she spoke, she felt the light in her eyes shine a little brighter. Her call companion waited patiently for Lucy's energy to rebalance before continuing. Lucy didn't need her to say anymore. She knew she was on her way back to the light. She also knew who was going to guide her.