Day 4 - What If?

What if I found a way? What if I just rocked up and opened conversation? Completely out of the blue, unexpectedly. What if...

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Have you ever had a fleeting urge to do something, imagining all the incredible wonders that could come from it, letting your stomach buzz like an excited child before their birthday party? 

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What if I sounded like a crazy person? What if everything is in my head? What if...

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Then, in a split second stopped yourself, allowing fear, overthinking and negative projection to take over?

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How many times? How many opportunities might you have missed because of it? 

I've "what if-ed" more times than I could possibly ever count. I did it just this morning, hence my writing about "what ifs." As I was listening to something earlier, I got an urge to do something my '"thinking brain" told me is crazy. I'm not sure I'd have time to do it anyway, but that's neither here nor there. What matters is the thought process I went through. 

I'm thinking about my past self as I write. Over the past few years, I've been healing my mind, moving back into my heart, after a toxic relationship. I've hypothesised about my past during the process. 

"What if I'd never stayed? What if I'd been more aware? What if...."

Ifs in English

 I've been an English teacher on and off for years. I am not ashamed to say I absolutely adore English grammar. For many years one of my closest friends called me "Pernickety Polly" because I corrected him on the stress placement in my name the first time we met. (Londoners! What can you do with them? - she rolls her eyes with a smirk.)

One of my favourite things to teach is conditionals - if structures, or hypotheticals. In fact, one of my favourite Microsoft Excel lessons during college was nested if statements. And to top the love of "If" off, one of my favourite poems is "If" by Rudyard Kipling. 

I love a good "if." It is the word which opens up the imagination, once we leave the factual zero conditional (if I'm cold, I wear a jacket), and the spontaneous first (if I see him, I'll tell him). 

Magical Imagination

The second, third and mixed conditionals allow us to hypothesise in the unreal and the impossible past. We may also project about possible futures. 

• If I were an ice-cream flavour, I'd be mint choc.
  
  • I am not an ice-cream flavour, nor can I ever be one. Imaginary.
• If my sister hadn't got married in Nerja, I may never have heard of it.
  
  • My sister did get married in Nerja. I have heard of it. Impossible past hypothesis.
• What if I managed to get an earlier bus up to Dublin? 
  • I could potentially take this action, which may result in another hypothesised future outcome. 

What's Wrong with "What Ifs?" 

Nothing and everything. They are wonderful fun to teach. Getting people from 15 different nationalities to imagine things they have never permitted themselves to entertain thoughts of before is exhilarating and often hilarious. (ask someone what flavour of ice-cream they'd be sometime and see what happens.) 

However, "what ifs" become problematic when we give too much power to those which are shrouded in fear. Interestingly enough, the "what ifs" that stop us from doing things, or make us ruminate about past actions that are impossible to change, are also "conditions." They come from societal conditioning. We are trained to fear being ridiculed. It doesn't feel good. If we're ridiculed from a young age, we learn that it's not a nice feeling, so we take actions to avoid it. 

We are trained to fear being perceived as mentally unstable, overly emotional, attached or deluded. It doesn't feel good to be isolated and ostracised, to feel 'othered' - too different from what we are conditioned to perceive as the "norm." We learn to hide our differences, our oddities and idiosyncrasies to "fit in." 

When I "what if" myself out of "what if" excitement, I stop to reflect. Sometimes, the "what if" pause can be rational. I may say to myself, 

"Ok, it might not be the best idea to just land in front of someone who doesn't expect you and may not be comfortable with your presence." That "what if" is rational. You don't like it when people land in front of you unexpectedly."

However, if the "what if" is loaded with fear, I then need to check my fears and see if I can flip them. 

• "What if I make a mistake and people laugh?"
  • "Have you really never made a mistake and been laughed at, Christine?" 
• "Of course I have." 
  • "Then, what's the problem?"

The mental conversation may go on for some time until I've rationalised everything out. 

Damned If I Do, Disappointed If I Don't

I heard about this "hot rodent boyfriend" or "ratboy summer" craic today that the media is shouting about. Someone apparently woke up in 2023 and said to themselves, "what if I called certain males 'reptilian' but meant it in a complimentary kind of way?" That kind of "what if" is one to be reflected upon. Being called a reptilian anything can be damming to a person's confidence, but I guess your general TikTok user doesn't really reflect on that before posting. 

What's most important when it comes to reflecting on the "what if" though, is what the outcome may be if you don't do the thing you feel like doing. Get that "what if" in your belly, and if you'll feel more disappointed if you don't do it than you would feel damned if you did, well then, you know what to do, don't you?